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Oy My Husband! Oy My Wife!
Why Are Men Loners? Why Are Women Cryptic?
By Aaron Moss
 

Question:
My husband just doesn't seem to get it. He came home over an hour late last night without so much as calling to tell me that he won't be on time. This is the fifth time he has done this and we are only married three months! It may seem petty but it upsets me greatly. I don't want him to see me as a nagging wife. What should I do?

Answer:
This may be disappointing, but it sounds like your husband is acting like a pretty normal guy. And you sound pretty normal too. That's why you are having this problem.

There is something you need to know about men. They are loners. Being in a relationship is unnatural to them. They do not automatically think about how their actions affect someone else. The default emotional state of a man is loneliness.

This is not true of women. A woman has an innate sense of relationship, of connection to others. A woman naturally shares of herself and bonds with others, a man does not. She is a relationship being, he is a lonely being.

Of course, it is a big generalisation to say that all men are loners and all women are connectors, and generalisations are never accurate. But to say generalisations are never accurate is itself a generalisation, and thus not accurate either. So let's generalise: Man's natural state is to be single. Woman's natural state is to be in a couple.

There is a solid base for this theory. It stretches all the way back to the beginning of time, to the first man and the first woman, Adam and Eve. Adam was created alone. His original state was that of a bachelor. But Eve was created from Adam. She was never single. Eve by her very nature was a relationship being, because she was created with her partner next to her. She had an inborn sense of interconnectedness, she intuitively knew that we are not alone in this world, that our actions impact others and that we can and must be sensitive to those around us.

This was innate to her psyche, for she was never alone. But all this was new to Adam. He had to learn what a relationship means, and how to be aware of another, for at his core he was a lonely being. Adam is the essential man, and Eve the essential woman. And so until today women are relationship beings and men are lonely beings. Not that all women are good at relationships, and not that all men are hopeless hermits. Rather, women are more likely to know how to bond with others, and men are more likely to keep their emotions to themselves.

So your husband has no idea why you are upset when he comes home late. He may be thinking, "Why can't she occupy herself until I get there? Is she so insecure that she can't look after herself for an extra hour or so?" What he doesn't yet understand is that while he is a loner, you are a connector. You don't need him to be physically with you all the time, but emotionally, he must be with you all the time. If he would just call to say he is late, you will not be feel alone, because he showed that he cares, he has bonded with you.

Eve's mission was to help Adam come out of his isolation and learn how to connect. You need to do this too. Explain to your husband that it is not his lateness that upsets you, it is that he wasn't considerate enough to communicate his lateness to you. Help him understand that he is no longer alone, and show him how beautiful the world is when shared with someone else. Give it time - you can't cure existential loneliness overnight. But if you persevere, with gentleness and love, he will open up that lonely place inside him and let you in. Then you can share your lives in your own Garden of Eden, and never be lonely again.

***

Question:
If the above is true and women are such relationship experts, why can't my wife communicate clearly and just say what she means?

It was her birthday yesterday, and when I mentioned it last week, she said, "Don't you dare do anything for my birthday!" So I didn't. Now she won't speak to me. I did exactly as she said, and I'm in trouble. Am I missing something?  

Answer:
Yes, you are missing something. It's called women's intuition. Your wife has it, and you never will. Men are literalists, women are intuitive. It's been that way since the beginning of time.

It all started with Adam and Eve. When G-d told Adam, "Do not eat of the fruit of knowledge, because if you do you will die", he took it literally. But Eve read between the lines. She understood that when G-d says don't eat, He really means, "Eat, but I didn't tell you to". Eve (mistakenly) sensed that G-d wanted humans to experience mortality and fallibility, He wanted them to know both good and evil, but He didn't want to force it on them, He wanted them to choose it. She used her intuition to uncover what G-d really meant according to her perception. That's why she ate of the fruit.

Eve acted intuitively because that's how she was created. The verb used to describe G-d creating Eve was "Vayiven", which literally means G-d built Eve, but can also be translated as "G-d endowed Eve with intuition." She was given an additional insight to be able to read between the lines, and understand what lies behind the words people say.

To this day women possess this ability, to intuit hidden messages and sense what is below the surface. And sometimes they mistakenly expect others to have this insight too. When your wife told you she doesn't want anything for her birthday, she thought you would hear not her words but her inner intention. What she meant was, "I don't want to tell you what I want for my birthday, I want it to come from you." But being a man, not blessed with women's intuition, you took her on face value, and did as she said: nothing.   Women's intuition is a wonderful gift, but your wife will have to learn that you simply don't have it.

Her female friends might know exactly what she means even when she doesn't say it, but you, her husband, will only ever hear what she says and act accordingly. You must let her know that you may never learn to read her mind, and teach her to say exactly what she means and give you clear instructions. This is not because you are not in tune with her, and not because you don't love or understand her. It is because you are a man. And that's all you need to be.

rabbimoss@bina.com.au

~~~~~~~

Posted on July 5, 2007
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