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Coice Vs. Determinisim
Yanki Tauber

 

Anguish of A Soul
Gary Israel

 

When Children Forget their Father
Yanki Tauber

 

A ale of wo Po
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e New Idol
Yosef Y. Jacobson

 

I Am Joep
Yosef Y. Jacobson

 

e orc of Moraliy
Yosef Y. Jacobson

 

e Roo of Violence
Yosef Y. Jacobson

 

The Battle of the Stones
Yosef Y. Jacobson

 

Are You Afraid of Yourelf?
Yosef Y. Jacobson

 

Bye Bye Dependence
Yosef Y. Jacobson

 

e Eaern Coloni
Yanki Tauber

 

Are Jew reaed Differenly?
Yosef Y. Jacobson

 

Camping With G-d
Yosef Y. Jacobson

 

e ubconiou of G-d
Yanki Tauber

 

Garonomic Univere
Yanki Tauber

 

A Powerful Love ory
Yosef Y. Jacobson

 

e Logic Beind Irael' Wi
Yosef Y. Jacobson

 

Ak No Weer, Bu ow
Yosef Y. Jacobson

 

e Bleing of Independance
Yanki Tauber

 

Wo Own Judaim?
Yosef Y. Jacobson

 

Wen ilence I a Lie
Yosef Y. Jacobson

 

From Bardicov o Japan
Yosef Y. Jacobson

 

Wen Moe Became a Bookkeeper
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Wa Moe Learned a an Infan
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e ree Layer of elf
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e Dea of Convicion
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Man' Miracle
Yosef Y. Jacobson

 

My Dear Animal
Yosef Y. Jacobson

 

ow o Climb e Ladder of pi
Yosef Y. Jacobson

 

e Grea Eape
Yosef Y. Jacobson

 

Are You ene?
Yosef Y. Jacobson

 

e Virue of Fruraion
Yosef Y. Jacobson

 

In e Valley of ear
Yosef Y. Jacobson

 

Moe V. Gandi
Dov Greenberg

 

Living a Life a Maer
Yosef Y. Jacobson

 

ow o Deal Wi empaion an
Yosef Y. Jacobson

 

Alone p://w
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O Me! O Life!
Yosef Y. Jacobson

 

Stuttering
Yosef Y. Jacobson

 

Wen Your Wife Diagree Wi
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Recipe for a Meaningful Year
Yosef Y. Jacobson

 

e Fuure of Zionim
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Riing from e Ae
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e Place of Violence in Relig
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Radical Exremi or elfle
Yanki Tauber

 

ow o Become a rue Leader
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e Fir Femini Revoluion
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No a imple a 1-2-3
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Digniy, Love, Monoeim and
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earcing for Our Loved One
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I Am a Rock
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e Blue Broer
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piriual izoprenia
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e wo Face of Life
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Anecdoe Abou My Faer
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A Tale of Two Loves
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Bye Bye ome
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Aaron Moss

 

Death and Life: Three Perspectives
Yosef Y. Jacobson

 

Running From G-d
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Simon Jacobson

 

I Loae Prayer r
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e Coronaion
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350 Year in America: Ro a
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Ro aana Accouning: ow
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U-urn On Wilire
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In-()o-Far
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Le U Conole Eac Oer
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My Life Alered Forever
Yochahan & Sarah Rivkin

 

Can I Name My Dog Irael?
Aaron Moss

 

Evil: wo ranlaion
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Can You Conver o Non-Pracic
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Warm Fee p
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Exremi Lover
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Did Rai Lack a ienific Me
Chaim Miller

 

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My Faer and e Prie
Chana Weisberg

 

Can You Oppoe Inermarriage W
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Obeed Wi Giving
Dov Greenberg

 

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Yosef Y. Jacobson

 

Pycoanalyi and e Bible
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Madonna' Kabbala
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Are aidic Younger Depriv
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e Lonely Momen
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The Jewish Woman’s 10 Commandments
By Mimi Hecht
 
  1. You Are The Master, The One Master, There Shall Be No Other: A legion of rebels will try to test this first commandment, but you must hold firm. If you are not the Lord of your family, no one (I repeat, no one) will rise in your place. You have been chosen to singlehandedly take your home out of exile.

 

  1. Seven Days You Shall Labor; There Shall Be No Rest: Shabbos, a day of rest? Ha! As the “Divine Day” approached, you lived in an apron, commandeered the kids baths and wardrobes, cleaned up after three tornadoes in the kitchen and, on top of it all, said “yes, my pleeeaassure!” to an additional five guests (see the 8th commandment). So if you’re doing less on the seventh day, it’s not because you’re resting. It’s because, in the light of the “peaceful glow” of your Shabbos candles, you’ve officially entered a comatose state. 

 

  1. The Diet Shall Commence Tomorrow: You can’t tackle the battle of the bulge when there’s always a reason – or commandment – to eat. The diet is a real thing for the Jewish woman. But it always starts after Chanukah. No, after Purim.  Errr, after Pesach? There’s no hope. So you’re better off just abiding by this intuitive commandment and always start your diet tomorrow. Except, wait, tomorrow’s Shavuos. And we all know what that means.

 

  1. Thou Shall Have a Multitude Of Number One Priorities: Your husband should always come first. Your kids are of primary importance. You must take care of yourself before anything! Only the Jewish woman can manage making a million things her number one priority. Consider this one of those superpowers that makes you thy home’s infallible master.

 

  1. Thou Shall Honor...Thyself! If you didn’t have this commandment, you’d evaporate into thin air (and then who would feed the kids?!). So do yourself a favor: go get a manicure. Read a book. Run. Far. Away. By honoring yourself, that’s the best thing you can do for your family (hmm, I see a pattern forming).

 

  1. Thou Shall Not Covet Another Mother: This commandment is essential to navigating the terrain of Jewish motherhood. If you’re busy looking at all the other YiddisheMamas” out there, you’re never going to be good enough. There’s always someone else with a bigger dining room table, better behaved children and a much more futuristic stroller (yes, even though yours looks like the spaceship your toddler always wanted).

 

  1. Thou Shall Not Commit Idolatry: Do not place all your cards on your “goya.” Maria will not save you.  Don’t worship or bow to her esteemed maid service. She will drop you in a heartbeat when the Goldbergs down the block offer her few more bucks and a renovated basement to live in.

 

  1. Thou Shall Never Say "No" In Vain: Every Jewish woman has about three “no”s to use in her lifetime. When you get called to host a simcha, cook for a friend who just gave birth, or spearhead the PTA group, you better say “yes” or risk being banished to eternal guilt. Oh, and not just any good ‘ol “yes” – you have to say “my pleeeaaaassure!” If you’re going to use one of your “no”s, it better be because your lying listless in bed. And if this person is calling because someone else is sick and needs a refuah sheleima(complete recovery), even that excuse won’t do.

 

  1. Thou Shall Not Take For Granted: Want to get stoned by your fellow Woman of Valor? Take everything for granted. If you want to survive as a Jewish woman, you’re going to have to add some grateful jargon to your current mix of obscenities and gossip. When you talk about your kids turning your hair white at the ripe age of thirty three, say “Thank G-d.” When you speak of that upcoming simcha (celebration) in the family that’s costing you the price of Pesach shopping times a hundred, say “G-d willing.” And, for the love of G-d, when you’re kvetching about your super-imposing and overbearing mother-in-law, don’t forget to say “Keyn AynHoreh!”

 

  1. Thou Shall Not Break The Rules: If you think you’re entitled to ignore or bend the rules of motherhood every now and then, let this final commandment be a reminder. The second you stop living up to your statutes, someone will call you out. Your husband will say, “Well, that’s the wife’s job” and your kids will yell, “But you’re my mommy!” So before you get ahead of yourself, just know – these reminders are a specially-made version of bolts of lightening.

 

  1. Thou Shall Never Be Fully Prepared: If you’re a Jewish mother, you’re used to surprises – so you can certainly throw one more commandment into the juggle (if not to just prove yourself than anything else). Your life is full, action-packed and bustling with energy. Always expect the unexpected and realize you’ll never be completely ready. If you think you are, you’re lying – and there’s a whole other set of commandments that deals with that!

 

 

Mimi@algemeiner.com

Posted on May 23, 2010
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